Trapped in My Own Mind

The mind can wonder so deep, it can run in circles, confuse us and hurt us.  It can be our friend or it can be our worst enemy. 

A power so real, so capable of trapping us into our very own prison cell.  The walls close in and become smaller and smaller until you feel overwhelmed, heartache and shame.

Anxiety and darkness becomes our new best friend. 

It hurts to think

It hurts to laugh without feelings 

It hurts to cry without light 

We are hollow… Just the prison cell and us. 

How Long Until The Fire Burns Out?

How long do I keep the mask on? 

With every minute that goes by I feel my wall getting weaker and weaker. Will it crumble and fall into a million pieces taking me right along with it?

My mind is a cloud of darkness, a piece of the puzzle I cannot figure out. When I close my eyes I see my future, a path filled with beauty and hope. A part of me wonders if it is easier to keep my eyes open and see the long road that leads to a dead end.

There is a shadow that follows me, I am not sure why. Is it part of my future or is it dragging along side of me?  Is it here to remind me of something? Yet, I cannot figure out what.

Surrender to the path or look for the long road ahead... It is my choice.

She Whispers

Shhhh she whispers

Listen to my voice, to my heart beat, hear my breath going in and out. Feel me, I am alive.

She is made of stone driven by anger, rage and fear, it is inside fighting to come out.
It speaks to me and I ignore it.
Why must she live in darkness she asks? Why can't you love her?
I listen, but remain silent for I do not know the answers she seeks.

Shhhhh she whispers...  You are not alone, I am here, I am alive and I am strong because of you.

Dark World

Feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with problems that arise everyday. 

Where are we to turn? Who can help guide us when we need it most? 

When I am at my most vulnerable, most fragile state I turn to my friends for help.  Is it fair to them to have to keep rescuing me every time I fall?  Is it fair to me to have no one there to help me when I need it most? 

Pain and Tears….

We look for answers with ever breath we take, we search the world to try and find ourselves, we ask the stars for guidance and we pray to a god we do not know exists.  We can only hope that someone out there is listening to our plea.

She Is Me

This photo speaks to me...

She is beauty, a sexual woman, delicate yet powerful 

Men crave her and want to lavish her with riches, pleasure her in all ways 

She is money and weakness

Men want to protect her, to touch her and posses her

She is sad and broken inside

She is me.

Change

"Change" It is such a simple word yet holds such power.

We all walk around like zombies, roaming the streets in and out of work/daily life. What do we want out of life? I look around and see everyone in some sort of routine including myself and it bothers me. Change is the hardest thing we have to face in our lives. I can safely say this is one of the things that has held me back most of my life. The fear of changing, the fear of failure & even the fear of success! It sounds silly, but true and it is hard at any age and it doesn't get better as we get older and wiser, we just have to learn to accept the fear and accept that we have to evolve and change is a must in this life. We must learn to embrace it and push ourselves into the uncomfortable situation that we hate, but know deep down inside they are good for us.

So here I am in Costa Rica jumping in with both feet and feeling completely alone, working and trying to get use to this lifestyle. It has been very hard for me. It is a beautiful country and I am surrounded by all of its beauty and yet, the sadness remains, the emptiness and fears are present. Will this new life become just a simple routine just like the life I left behind?

New Start

What does Diana want?

I keep asking myself this question expecting an answer. I moved to Costa Rica about 8 months ago. My plan was to experience something new, be independent, live my life on a beach and reconnect with my family again. I told myself I'd only be here for one year and then I would be back home with my sister and friends.  The months have flown by and the year is creeping up slowly.

I am anxious and stressed. 

My decision to stay longer was made recently because of work mostly. A tough decision, a struggle between my mind and my heart. I see a lot of potential here, but not only that, I see growth and  experience and that is what I came here for. On the other hand my heart feels broken being so far away from home and the people that I love and cherish so much.  The city life is great and I do miss it, but I feel like this is going to be a great challenge for me and I need to stay for that reason alone.

Everyone has a story, a journey... This one is mine.